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Let’s Rename All The Holidays!
Tolerantly making everybody comfortable...
[by Patrick Hurley] 12/9/05

With politcal correctness running rampant smashing everything traditional in its wake why don’t we take this concept to the nth degree and quit pretending we even have a history? Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year’s are now collectively referred to as, “Have a Happy Holiday!”, so let’s get down and dirty and make certain the other days we treasure in this country do not offend those who may feel a bit uncomfortable with our memorable phraseology. The first major day after the new year would be Martin Luther King’s Birthday. Well, we can no longer celebrate his memory with all the criticism he received in his life from both the militant black community and so many white people. How about, “A Significant Black Man who had Creative Dreams is having a Birthday!” I think that will do the trick. It should make every race happy. Then, there is February 14. But, are we really being sensitive to jilted lovers here? I think not. So, in the spirit of tolerance and understanding we will refer to it as, “Valentine Possibility Day!” Hallmark will still retain their marketing ability and everyone will feel comfortable with the fact that not everyone will get a card or candy. It makes the lovers feel good and keeps the options open for those of us who believe the day to be total discrimination since we cannot get a date!

President’s Day is passé. We really only honor Washington and Lincoln, right? That is discrimination. Why should THEY be the only leaders of our country who get honored on that weekend? What about John Tyler? James Polk? Millard Fillmore? Were they less Presidential than the big boys? Not in our politically correct world they weren’t! So, we have a new day, “The Oval Office Experience!” Hail to all the Chiefs.

We have politically correct momentum now as we breeze into the holiday formerly known as Easter. We cannot have any reference to religion here, can we? Noooooo! The American Civil Liberties Union were not at the resurrection which was a good thing since they would file a lawsuit against Jesus intimidating the Roman army all by himself. In order to make certain that we keep the boundaries of church and state separate here, I suggest we rename that famous Sunday, “Peter Cottontail Day!” It will be a tribute to rabbits, chocolate eggs, jelly beans and baskets with fake grass in them everywhere. I envision an icon with a large hare wearing sunglasses with bulging biceps and holding a law book a la the Statue of Liberty. Elegant, dramatic and a solid lead in to the other major spring event of the year, the Masters Golf Tournament.

Memorial Day weekend needs a major facelift. There is no question about it. We cannot have a tribute to our past wars. What are we thinking? That is too grotesque. The time of glorifying our violent history is out of line and politically inappropriate. Who wants to remember bloodshed and freedom in that melded context? As a result, we have a newly remembered holiday, “The End of May and All that is Memorable!” Good. Now, for the silly Fourth of July. I have a great suggestion here and one that will truly capture the real meaning of this heretofore reminder of our liberty, “National Grilling Day!” We could have hot dog and hamburger bun packaging in red, white and blue. Instead of hanging our flag in front of our homes, in the spirit of never offending anyone, we could display giant tea bags. I would rather take a chance of offending a coffee drinker than risk hurting a terrorist’s feelings. We are a nation of inclusion. Everyone is welcome here. This IS America, remember?

Finally, we come to the end of the summer and our nation’s workers. But, there are homeless people and welfare recipients. Therefore, we need to make them feel comfortable. I think, “Labor Day for Those who Choose to Work!” works for me. We still have, “Veteran’s Day,” but, since that holiday always confuses people with the formerly celebrated, “Memorial Day,” we need to be sensitive to them and just eliminate the veterans reference. We can call it, “Three Day Weekend Day in November.” That is more accurate anyway.

There you have it. We are now a nation of happiness, fairness and tolerance. It was a small price to give up our traditions for the gain of making everyone feel part of America. This holiday season I want to wish you a very, merry encounter with the turkey, ham, jolly round fellow and noisemaker of your choice. You are a significant person who deserves validation and nurturing as you celebrate with your loved ones in a very intimate and joyous way during the season.

Oh, by the way, Merry Christmas! CHRISTMAS! May the Lord be with you on the celebration of his birth. If you choose to call it Buddamas, Hindumas or Kwanzimas, fine. But, I will be remembering the reason we made this day special…with a smile. -one-

copyright 2005 Patrick Hurley

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