Contributor Burt Prelutsky Scriptwriter Burt Prelutsky has writing credits from some of television’s best known series as well as having been a humor columnist for the L.A. Times and a movie critic for Los Angeles magazine. [go to Prelutsky index]

Conservatives are from Mars (Liberals are from San Francisco) by Burt Prelutsky

But the thing I find hard to deal with is the remarkably high opinion of themselves that all liberals seem to have. I mean, almost without exception, they regard themselves as civil, sophisticated, and open-minded; in short, all the things that right- wingers aren’t and can never hope to be. And yet it’s always those open-minded, free speech-loving, liberals who boo and hiss on college campuses whenever conservatives such as Ann Coulter, David Horowitz, and Justice Clarence Thomas, are invited to speak. It’s always those sophisticated liberals who throw pies at those they oppose, and who giggle like school children when people such as Whoopi Goldberg makes inane, off- color, remarks about the president.

It’s the same folks who work themselves into an absolute dither when President Bush misspeaks or sticks an extra syllable into “nuclear” who give standing ovations to the likes of those blithering nincompoops, Barbara Boxer and Robert Byrd, people whose every utterance sounds like the incoherent ramblings of a lunatic.

That said, let me assure you I’m well-aware that that some liberals are very nice people. I count quite a few of them among my circle of friends. And, quite frankly, even I find that fact confusing. But, I have come up with a theory that might help explain how this is possible.

I think that, by some fluke of nature, a certain number of dogs and cats wind up being born as human beings. I happen to be an animal lover, and one of the things I love best about them is that they can’t speak. At least they can’t speak a language I understand. Yes, sort of like Boxer and Byrd, now that you mention it.

As sweet and as loyal as our pets are, these are animals who lick themselves, walk around naked as jaybirds, and poop in public. If they could speak, I suspect that I, for one, wouldn’t care to hear what they had to say. Especially not about politics, for heaven’s sake.

So it is that, so long as we avoid serious topics, I’m able to have liberals for friends. Many of them, I can assure you, are as good-natured, fun-loving, and loyal, as my little four-legged pal, Duke.

And yet each has its drawback. With Duke, it’s that he barks incessantly if anyone, including yours truly, approaches the front door. With liberals, it’s the fact that they insist on voting. Better they should just bark. CRO

Copyright 2006 Burt Prelutsky