Contributor Burt Prelutsky Scriptwriter Burt Prelutsky has writing credits from some of television’s best known series as well as having been a humor columnist for the L.A. Times and a movie critic for Los Angeles magazine. [go to Prelutsky index]

Conservatives are from Mars (Liberals are from San Francisco) by Burt Prelutsky

After all, aggravation and worry aside, just look at what he’s cost me over the years. I’m not saying I kept track of every last nickel and dime I spent on him, but, believe me, it was a bloody fortune. There were the regular items, of course, such as food and drink, clothes and shelter, schooling and medical expenses. But, like most kids of his generation, there were also those other items he couldn’t live without -- the pricey play stations, the fancy bikes, and the name-brand sneakers that cost more than all the shoes in my closet.

I’m not saying I begrudge him. Well, maybe I am. But not totally. After all, it’s not as if he put a gun to my head to get all that stuff. But I must confess that when I’m writing checks these days for the mortgage, water and power, and car insurance, I find myself getting misty-eyed over some of that long-gone long green.

Although studies indicate that married people live longer than single people, I’m not at all sure that adding children to the mix doesn’t merely make life seem longer. Their music alone is enough to drive adults to an early grave.

When you get right down to it, our offspring have a pretty swell deal going for themselves. Not only do they get to shorten our lives, but they then get to inherit our homes, our money, and all our worldly possessions.

So, if the worst thing you can say about space exploration, invading Iraq or the President’s plan to revamp Social Security, is that it’s going to cost our kids money somewhere down the line, I merely shrug and say, So what? What’s the big deal? The bottom line, ladies and gentlemen, is that it’s mostly our money they’re going to be spending! CRO

Copyright 2006 Burt Prelutsky