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Contributors
Mac
Johnson -
Contributor
Mac Johnson
is a freelance writer and biologist in Cambridge, Mass. Mr.
Johnson holds a Doctorate in Molecular and Cellular Biology
from Baylor College of Medicine. He is a frequent opinion contributor
to Human
Events Online. His website can be found at macjohnson.com [go
to Johnson index]
 Liberal
Losers Conduct a Fool's Hearing
Our progresssive leaders at their finest...
[Mac Johnson] 6/21/05
Losers live
in their parents’ basement
and dream that they are just one hit song away from stardom.
Losers neglect their retirement savings and fantasize about
the way they will live after they magically win the lottery.
Losers weigh 431 pounds and wish -- through a month full of
Twinkies and Diet Coke -- that someone someday will invent a
miracle diet pill so that they can be pretty.
And this week, losers met in the basement of
the Capitol building and sat behind little mismatched folding
tables interviewing
each other in an “unofficial investigative hearing” that
they believe might allow them to retake power one day -- without
them ever having to re-examine who they are, what they stand
for, or why most Americans have decided that they and their fellow
liberals are a just bunch of losers undeserving of further support.
Yes, one of the hallmarks of leaches, losers,
bums, stoners, halfwits, and leftists is that they tend to
live in a beautiful
delusion in which nothing is really wrong with them, they just
need a break -- a magic event that will solve all their problems
at once and effortlessly elevate them to their proper status
in life. One day they’ll get that record contract, or win
that Power-ball, or find that willpower-free path to weight loss
-- or even find that “smoking gun” memo that will,
in one fell swoop, prove that George W. Bush really is worse
than Hitler, Stalin, or Pol-Pot, and magically, instantly make
everybody love and vote for them again.
It’s easier than self-examination and hard
work.
So it was this week as a group of stellar Congressional
Democrats, led by Rep. John Conyers of Michigan, held “hearings” with
each other to discuss the so-called “DOWNING STREET MEMO”.
The DOWNING STREET MEMO (always to be pronounced after a pregnant
pause and in a voice a half octave lower than normal speech)
is a set of notes from a meeting of British Prime Minister Tony
Blair and his advisors during the lead up to the War in Iraq
in July of 2002. And Democrats believe this could be (again)
the big break they’ve been waiting for, the magic bullet
that will wrap-up the plot of the movie in which they star in
their heads just in time for the commercial break and the 2006
mid-term elections.
So what is in the dreaded DOWNING
STREET MEMO that Democrats think is so horrible that it makes even them
look good by comparison?
Essentially, it all boils down to two sentences in the whole
document. When discussing the British administration’s
impression of the attitude of the United States administration
(which is a curious sort of “smoking gun” regardless
of what the memo says, isn’t it?), the memo states:
“Bush
wanted to remove Saddam, through military action, justified
by the conjunction of terrorism
and WMD. But the intelligence
and facts were being fixed around the policy.”
Obviously, “fixed around” means “firmly organized
around” in this passage, which is especially apparent when
one reads the whole memo. But the anti-war zealots and hopeful
Democrats think it could mean “blatantly manufactured so
as to defraud” -- as in the “the fix is in” or “he
fixed the fight.” The proper wording to express that idea,
of course, would be more like “Thus the intelligence and
facts were being fixed, so as to falsely justify the policy” --
which is exactly the sort of thing people involved in a conspiracy
would never write down in a memo, anyway. But those who need
to believe that there was a conspiracy think that they can sell
the more improbable meaning of “fixed around” to
the voters -- if they just had a forum in which to explain it
loudly and frequently enough. “Fixed around” -- that’s
it. That one phrase is all the whole DOWNING STREET MEMO fuss
is about.
In effect, the Democrats are holding hearings
because they claim not to believe that words can have more
than one meaning -- a
bit surprising for the party that once told us “it all
depends on what the meaning of the word ‘is’ is.”
The ridiculousness of trying to build a whole
propaganda scandal around an unlikely interpretation of one
word in a memo of opinion
from a foreign government shows how addicted the Democrats have
grown to “investigation” as a tool for defamation.
For years while Democrats were in charge of Congress, any allegation
against a Republican was reason enough to hold public hearings.
Lack of supporting evidence was even more of a reason to hold
hearings, since evidence was obviously being covered up if no
one could find it! Such investigations never seemed to reach
any definitive findings though, because that would mean they
might end; and their real purpose was to ensure a continuous
stream of media coverage that began “The President today
continued to deny allegations…”
But what are you to do if you can’t hold an official hearing
to slander an opponent just because the American people have
voted you out of power? Why, just hold a fake hearing in your
parents’ basement! At the very least, MSNBC will show up,
and then maybe someone with a real TV show will see the report
and get the word out!
So for several hours last Thursday, that is just what a group
of Democrats did. They sat across from each other in neat little
rows and asked one another questions for the benefit of reporters
and C-Span 3 (C-Spans 1 and 2 are just too darn hard to get on
some days). The whole thing looked rather like a model UN put
on by a group of eager schoolchildren -- except without any kid
there to play the representative of the American people. He must
have actually been at work that day.
The “committee” even called “witnesses,” including
a spokesman for the pertinent and timely new political organization “AfterDowningStreet.org” --
because after the DOWNING STREET MEMO everything has changed.
(At this point in the surreal spectacle all I could hear in my
head were lyrics from the Beck song “Loser”: I’m
a driver, I’m a winner… things are gonna change,
I can feel it!)
But
wait, there’s more! To increase the sheer pitiable
phoniness of the whole thing, the event was simulcast to a select
audience at the Headquarters of the Democratic National Committee
(thus proving it was not a political stunt). A “handful” of
members of this audience distributed
literature to their comrades
at the DNC helpfully explaining that the September 11th terrorist
attack was actually committed by Israel to give George W. Bush
the pretext he needed to invade Iraq, so that Israel and America
could then dominate the Middle East. This, of course, did not
echo at all the kookiness inside the “hearing,” where
one “witness” explained to the committee that the
Iraq war was actually begun so that “the United States
and Israel could dominate that part of the world.”
These last actions were so outrageous that even
Howard Dean thought they crossed a line –even Howard Dean. Of course,
this could be because Dean might have trouble believing the Republicans
are secretly working for the Jews when he will be the first to
tell you that Republicans are “pretty much a white, Christian
Party” who are “not very friendly to different folks.” My,
it’s so hard to keep the Democrat’s ethno-religious
conspiracy theories straight some days. But the important thing
to remember is that they are the party of reason and tolerance.
When not explaining the world’s secret conspiracies, the
DOWNING STREET MEMO crowd is busy complaining that the media
isn’t giving the vaunted DOWNING STREET MEMO as much attention
as something as obviously important as the DOWNING STREET
MEMO deserves. I mean, why aren’t the streets filled with protestors
and revolution?
Perhaps it’s because the memo doesn’t matter, has
been covered for two months already, and doesn’t really
say what they want it to say? Other than that, it’s a great
story. So my advice to Democrats is just keep sitting in the
basement and dreaming that the vast right-wing conspiracy will
one day sin so badly that it makes even you look smart and attractive.
It could happen, after all. Sometimes the losers do win the lottery
-- and hoping for that is much easier than working to provide
the American people with a positive attractive alternative to
vote for in the next election.
And besides, we all know that the Masons are the ones that really
control everything. Duh. tOR
This piece first appeared at Human
Events Online
copyright
2005 Mac Johnson
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