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| HURLEY |
Six
Reasons WHY I Might Watch Katie Couric!
by Patrick Hurley [scriptwriter]
9/4/06 |
I grew
up on the legendary Walter Cronkite and the CBS Evening News.
All the other anchormen were wannabes compared to the elegant
sea lion. When he would wrap up his newscast with, “And
that’s the way it is,” adding the date, I would
stand there in awe at the sight of his presence. Only one other
person made me gasp like that and she was my favorite brown-eyed
Mouseketeer…
Now, there
is a new cowgirl on the news prairie and she is going to rock
our ranches and stake her claim. I know this is true because
I have been seeing the hundreds of thousands of commercials
telling me so. This isn’t just ANY anchor man; this is
HISTORICAL. The first woman to ever sit on the news throne
of greatness. There are so many reasons why I will consider watching
Katie from her debut on, (I am shaking as I type this!) Tuesday,
September 5, 2006. Oh…my….gosh.
Contributor
Patrick Hurley
Patrick Hurley is an independent conservative thinker living
in Orange County, California. He has addressed over six million
people in 47 states nationwide and won three Emmy awards for
television comedy.[go
to Hurley index]
|
Reason
#1 Katie has special powers.
One day she weighed twenty pounds heavier in the ads than she
did the next day. That is one BEWITCHED babe! If she can defy
gravity and science that easily what will she do with all the
problems in the WORLD? I want to see her take on a tsunami and
bring it to a sprinkle with one twist of her magical nose. I
want to put her in the middle of an insurgent attack in Iraq
and watch her turn them into Bambi and friends. I want her to
go to New Orleans and jump start the city bringing it back to
its glory days of sin and sex! This is not just any anchor person;
this is a woman who can control the laws of nature. I saw her
do it with my own eyes. She is a walking Slim-Fast. I BELIEVE!
Reason
#2 Katie is America’s Sweetheart.
We all love
America’s…Something. The Dallas Cowboys
are America’s Team. Wal-Mart is America’s Store.
Chevrolet is America’s Car. Al Gore is America’s
Bragger. Katie is America’s Sweetheart. So, when I watch
her I feel like I am watching the girl next door…who chain
smokes. She is a sweetheart with a deep voice. Unlike Rita Cosby
who is a sweetheart with a MAN’S deep voice.
Reason
#3 Katie is going to be more FUN!
This will
not be your father’s newscast. This will be
the Today Show at dinner time. I am sure Katie will have a picture
of the world behind her but that is just for effect. She is going
to upbeat and lively as in, “There was another attack on
American troops today in Iraq and three soldiers died in heavy
fighting but on a lighter note, we have a sister of one of the
dead men who is with us tonight and I understand she is going
to be on… American Idol! Is that right, Tiffany?” (turning
to her guest) “Yes Katie, it sure IS! I am so happy. It
is the best way I can honor my brother who is probably looking
down from heaven right now!” Katie will put all that serious
stuff in its proper perspective for me.
Reason
#4 Katie is a Role Model
Did you
see her courageous colonoscopy on the Today Show? She did it
because she lost
her husband to colon cancer and she wanted
more people to get checked out. That was admirable. Because of
that show colonoscopies went up by 20 PERCENT! I was one of the
men who followed her example. As it turned out I had a couple
of benign polyps which gave me piece of mind. Becasuse I follow
Katie blindly I sure hope she doesn’t decide to get a sex
change operation. Being on several matchmaking services is tough
enough without making me more crazy…
Reason #5 Katie will FINALLY hide those really White Legs
The only
time I got skittish watching her on The Today Show was when
she liked
to wear short dresses or skirts and I had
to look at her legs all the time at breakfast. That is why I
stopped eating sausage at meal time. No offense Katie, but you
really need to wear a LONGER hem. I am not attracted to your
legs because I played football in college and I had to tackle
guys that had your thighs. I noticed when you guest hosted for
Jay Leno you came out from behind the desk to interview Simon
Cowell and show off those gams of yours! Please don’t do
that on your newscast. They hid Dan Rather’s legs for the
SAME reason.
Reason
#6 Katie played a Prison Guard in a MOVIE!
I saw, “Goldmember” and Katie’s performance
was one that deserved an Academy Award nomination. She didn’t
have a lot of lines but because she is so popular and talented
in anything she does, I think the Oscar voters were jealous and
slighted her on purpose. This also happened to Steven Spielberg.
Katie and Steven. Two incredible people who have lit up the silver
screen and moved audiences emotionally everywhere. That is why
CBS News hired Katie. To bring that same charisma to the arena
of news reporting and thus hold millions of people captivated
as they were when she appeared in that prison uniform. Garbo.
Dietrich. Hepburn. Couric. Riveting. Tantalizing. Sensuous. I
can just hear her now on her first newscast, “Hi, I’m
Katie Couric and you are being seduced by my charm, intellect,
charisma, subliminal power and inflated ego. I can smell the
Emmy now!”
Douglas Edwards. Walter Cronkite. Dan Rather. Katie Couric.
The four CBS News Anchors in my lifetime.
From factual to elegant to loopy to self-absorbed.
Hmm….
I guess traditions were meant to be broken after all.
And that’s
the way it is, Tuesday, September 5, 2006.
Patrick Hurley
Former CBS News watcher
CRO
copyright
2006 Patrick Hurley
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