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HURLEY Six Reasons WHY I Might Watch Katie Couric!
by Patrick Hurley [scriptwriter] 9/4/06

I grew up on the legendary Walter Cronkite and the CBS Evening News. All the other anchormen were wannabes compared to the elegant sea lion. When he would wrap up his newscast with, “And that’s the way it is,” adding the date, I would stand there in awe at the sight of his presence. Only one other person made me gasp like that and she was my favorite brown-eyed Mouseketeer…

Now, there is a new cowgirl on the news prairie and she is going to rock our ranches and stake her claim. I know this is true because I have been seeing the hundreds of thousands of commercials telling me so. This isn’t just ANY anchor man; this is HISTORICAL. The first woman to ever sit on the news throne of greatness. There are so many reasons why I will consider watching Katie from her debut on, (I am shaking as I type this!) Tuesday, September 5, 2006. Oh…my….gosh.

Patrick Hurley

Patrick Hurley is an independent conservative thinker living in Orange County, California. He has addressed over six million people in 47 states nationwide and won three Emmy awards for television comedy.[go to Hurley index]

Reason #1 Katie has special powers.

One day she weighed twenty pounds heavier in the ads than she did the next day. That is one BEWITCHED babe! If she can defy gravity and science that easily what will she do with all the problems in the WORLD? I want to see her take on a tsunami and bring it to a sprinkle with one twist of her magical nose. I want to put her in the middle of an insurgent attack in Iraq and watch her turn them into Bambi and friends. I want her to go to New Orleans and jump start the city bringing it back to its glory days of sin and sex! This is not just any anchor person; this is a woman who can control the laws of nature. I saw her do it with my own eyes. She is a walking Slim-Fast. I BELIEVE!

Reason #2 Katie is America’s Sweetheart.

We all love America’s…Something. The Dallas Cowboys are America’s Team. Wal-Mart is America’s Store. Chevrolet is America’s Car. Al Gore is America’s Bragger. Katie is America’s Sweetheart. So, when I watch her I feel like I am watching the girl next door…who chain smokes. She is a sweetheart with a deep voice. Unlike Rita Cosby who is a sweetheart with a MAN’S deep voice.

Reason #3 Katie is going to be more FUN!

This will not be your father’s newscast. This will be the Today Show at dinner time. I am sure Katie will have a picture of the world behind her but that is just for effect. She is going to upbeat and lively as in, “There was another attack on American troops today in Iraq and three soldiers died in heavy fighting but on a lighter note, we have a sister of one of the dead men who is with us tonight and I understand she is going to be on… American Idol! Is that right, Tiffany?” (turning to her guest) “Yes Katie, it sure IS! I am so happy. It is the best way I can honor my brother who is probably looking down from heaven right now!” Katie will put all that serious stuff in its proper perspective for me.

Reason #4 Katie is a Role Model

Did you see her courageous colonoscopy on the Today Show? She did it because she lost her husband to colon cancer and she wanted more people to get checked out. That was admirable. Because of that show colonoscopies went up by 20 PERCENT! I was one of the men who followed her example. As it turned out I had a couple of benign polyps which gave me piece of mind. Becasuse I follow Katie blindly I sure hope she doesn’t decide to get a sex change operation. Being on several matchmaking services is tough enough without making me more crazy…

Reason #5 Katie will FINALLY hide those really White Legs

The only time I got skittish watching her on The Today Show was when she liked to wear short dresses or skirts and I had to look at her legs all the time at breakfast. That is why I stopped eating sausage at meal time. No offense Katie, but you really need to wear a LONGER hem. I am not attracted to your legs because I played football in college and I had to tackle guys that had your thighs. I noticed when you guest hosted for Jay Leno you came out from behind the desk to interview Simon Cowell and show off those gams of yours! Please don’t do that on your newscast. They hid Dan Rather’s legs for the SAME reason.

Reason #6 Katie played a Prison Guard in a MOVIE!

I saw, “Goldmember” and Katie’s performance was one that deserved an Academy Award nomination. She didn’t have a lot of lines but because she is so popular and talented in anything she does, I think the Oscar voters were jealous and slighted her on purpose. This also happened to Steven Spielberg. Katie and Steven. Two incredible people who have lit up the silver screen and moved audiences emotionally everywhere. That is why CBS News hired Katie. To bring that same charisma to the arena of news reporting and thus hold millions of people captivated as they were when she appeared in that prison uniform. Garbo. Dietrich. Hepburn. Couric. Riveting. Tantalizing. Sensuous. I can just hear her now on her first newscast, “Hi, I’m Katie Couric and you are being seduced by my charm, intellect, charisma, subliminal power and inflated ego. I can smell the Emmy now!”

Douglas Edwards. Walter Cronkite. Dan Rather. Katie Couric.

The four CBS News Anchors in my lifetime.

From factual to elegant to loopy to self-absorbed.


I guess traditions were meant to be broken after all.

And that’s the way it is, Tuesday, September 5, 2006.

Patrick Hurley
Former CBS News watcher


copyright 2006 Patrick Hurley




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