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Conservatives Are From Mars, Liberals Are From San Francisco
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America Alone
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by Patrick Hurley [scriptwriter] 8/23/06

As I have researched the subject of who will succeed George W. Bush in the Oval Office it is becoming apparent to all the experts I know (who sit around and drink coffee with me at Home Town Buffet) that this is not a slam dunk answer. Because of my extensive experience in watching a lot of television during primaries and election nights, I think I have a pretty good idea who we can count on to give the inaugural address on January 20, 2009.

My uncanny method of picking the Chief Executive is by deductive reasoning. So, I must begin by eliminating those who will NOT be the President based upon some key factors that I have devised from history, previous elections, campaign trends and my own savvy instincts. Forthwith, here is the short list. (by the way, is “forthwith” one or two words?)

Patrick Hurley

Patrick Hurley is an independent conservative thinker living in Orange County, California. He has addressed over six million people in 47 states nationwide and won three Emmy awards for television comedy.[go to Hurley index]

It will not be Harold Stassen. I always begin with him because well…HE is the guy who always runs, right? Since the field is wide open this time, this would have been his best chance to make it had he not passed away five years ago. Next up in the loser’s column is Rudolph Guilia…uh, Giul…Guull…okay, that is precisely WHY he cannot win. If the average American cannot spell a candidate’s last name they are toast. Think of the last several winners, Bush, Clinton, Bush, Reagan, Carter, Nixon, Johnson, Kennedy…(there WAS Eisenhower but that was before marketing took over the Presidency) There is no way a candidate with a weird name is going to be taken seriously by the voters. So, you can also forget President Gingrich and President Gore and President Frist and President Vilsack and…President Romney. (Can anyone say HIS first name without snickering?)

Next up, we have to consider a woman or an ethnic person for the job. Nope. Hillary has a great last name but it is tied to a female first one. Ain’t gonna happen. She is perfect for Democrats to discuss but when it comes down to them actually NOMINATING her, it is like the difference between betting for fun and betting with your OWN money. No way. I don’t see any serious challengers this year who happen to be black, Asian, hispanic or Jewish do you? Condaleeza Rice has been mentioned. How nice. Let’s move on.

See how easy this is?

We are now down to the final set of vanilla names: McCain, Edwards, Kerry, Warner, Allen and Biden. (Joe from Delaware has a nominally accepted last name but his problem is that every time he gives a speech he claims HE wrote…)
John Kerry is the sleeper here. He has a history of losing and then coming back to win. But, his former running mate is the more likely choice. He is better looking and charmingly sneaky. He is Bill Clinton with darker hair. If he gets off to a good start, he may get the nomination. If he does I fully expect him to choose a running mate that is a lot like him, only younger, like Eddie Haskell. “You look really nice today, Mrs. Clinton! I sincerely apologize for beating the crap out of you in New Hampshire!”

On the Republican side, I am leaning towards George Allen of Virginia. He is not as well known as McCain, but he has lower negatives in the polls than John. I like the idea of a President McCain, but I thought Thomas Eagleton had a really stable personality too, and look what happened to HIM! We cannot have a President who gets mad and loses it. If so, we might as well go all the way and elect President John Bolton.

So, George Allen and John Edwards are the logical choices here to make it to the final game. Who will be the champion of November Madness? (the envelope please, Mr. Vitale!)

This is a tough choice because Allen looks like Ronald Reagan fifty years before he ran for President and Edwards reminds me of a youthful Robert Wagner. It is a tie there. Allen’s dad was a famous football coach and Edwards dad, (we were reminded 2,678 times!) WORKED IN A TEXTILE MILL! Advantage Allen. They both have heroes, George Allen idolizes Ronald Reagan and Thomas Jefferson, while John Edwards tries to emulate Ivan Boesky, Pepe Le Pew and Adam Clayton Powell. Allen again. Finally, when it comes to the reality of politics, the American people can be counted on to vote their intelligence, deep research and passion on who has the coolest looking wife. (I personally think this is incredibly shallow but tell THAT to Jackie Kennedy!)

Since this is the final criteria…

Our next President of the United States will be the husband of Susan Allen.

I believe I have just saved millions of people and hundreds of millions of dollars the trouble of an election that has already been decided.

You are welcome.

Patrick Hurley


copyright 2006 Patrick Hurley




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