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Conservatives Are From Mars, Liberals Are From San Francisco
by Burt Prelutsky
by Mark Steyn
Will Be Our Next PRESIDENT?
by Patrick Hurley [scriptwriter]
As I have
researched the subject of who will succeed George W. Bush in
the Oval Office it is becoming apparent to all the experts
I know (who sit around and drink coffee with me at Home Town
Buffet) that this is not a slam dunk answer. Because of my
extensive experience in watching a lot of television during
primaries and election nights, I think I have a pretty good
idea who we can count on to give the inaugural address on January
method of picking the Chief Executive is by deductive reasoning.
So, I must begin by eliminating those who will NOT be the President
based upon some key factors that I have devised from history,
previous elections, campaign trends and my own savvy instincts.
Forthwith, here is the short list. (by the way, is “forthwith” one
or two words?)
Patrick Hurley is an independent conservative thinker living
in Orange County, California. He has addressed over six million
people in 47 states nationwide and won three Emmy awards for
to Hurley index]
not be Harold Stassen. I always begin with him because well…HE is the guy who always runs, right? Since the field
is wide open this time, this would have been his best chance
to make it had he not passed away five years ago. Next up in
the loser’s column is Rudolph Guilia…uh, Giul…Guull…okay,
that is precisely WHY he cannot win. If the average American
cannot spell a candidate’s last name they are toast. Think
of the last several winners, Bush, Clinton, Bush, Reagan, Carter,
Nixon, Johnson, Kennedy…(there WAS Eisenhower but that
was before marketing took over the Presidency) There is no way
a candidate with a weird name is going to be taken seriously
by the voters. So, you can also forget President Gingrich and
President Gore and President Frist and President Vilsack and…President
Romney. (Can anyone say HIS first name without snickering?)
we have to consider a woman or an ethnic person for the job.
Hillary has a great last name but it is tied to
a female first one. Ain’t gonna happen. She is perfect
for Democrats to discuss but when it comes down to them actually
NOMINATING her, it is like the difference between betting for
fun and betting with your OWN money. No way. I don’t see
any serious challengers this year who happen to be black, Asian,
hispanic or Jewish do you? Condaleeza Rice has been mentioned.
How nice. Let’s move on.
See how easy this is?
We are now
down to the final set of vanilla names: McCain, Edwards, Kerry,
Allen and Biden. (Joe from Delaware has
a nominally accepted last name but his problem is that every
time he gives a speech he claims HE wrote…)
John Kerry is the sleeper here. He has a history of losing and
then coming back to win. But, his former running mate is the
more likely choice. He is better looking and charmingly sneaky.
He is Bill Clinton with darker hair. If he gets off to a good
start, he may get the nomination. If he does I fully expect him
to choose a running mate that is a lot like him, only younger,
like Eddie Haskell. “You look really nice today, Mrs. Clinton!
I sincerely apologize for beating the crap out of you in New
On the Republican side, I am leaning towards George Allen of
Virginia. He is not as well known as McCain, but he has lower
negatives in the polls than John. I like the idea of a President
McCain, but I thought Thomas Eagleton had a really stable personality
too, and look what happened to HIM! We cannot have a President
who gets mad and loses it. If so, we might as well go all the
way and elect President John Bolton.
So, George Allen and John Edwards are the logical choices here
to make it to the final game. Who will be the champion of November
Madness? (the envelope please, Mr. Vitale!)
a tough choice because Allen looks like Ronald Reagan fifty
years before he
ran for President and Edwards reminds me
of a youthful Robert Wagner. It is a tie there. Allen’s
dad was a famous football coach and Edwards dad, (we were reminded
2,678 times!) WORKED IN A TEXTILE MILL! Advantage Allen. They
both have heroes, George Allen idolizes Ronald Reagan and Thomas
Jefferson, while John Edwards tries to emulate Ivan Boesky, Pepe
Le Pew and Adam Clayton Powell. Allen again. Finally, when it
comes to the reality of politics, the American people can be
counted on to vote their intelligence, deep research and passion
on who has the coolest looking wife. (I personally think this
is incredibly shallow but tell THAT to Jackie Kennedy!)
is the final criteria…
Our next President of the United States will be the husband
of Susan Allen.
I believe I have just saved millions of people and hundreds
of millions of dollars the trouble of an election that has already
You are welcome.
2006 Patrick Hurley