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The Stupid Year in Review
A wary glance in the rear view mirror…
[by Patrick Hurley] 12/31/05
start the year off fine!
We all watched
the apple fall in New York city wondering what this new year
will bring us. Little did we know
it was ALMOST
the last time we would ever
see Dick Clark again. Whew! Soon, we caught a flavor of the dynamic of this
incredibly stupid year…three CBS producers and and executive were fired
for their discredited report on George W. Bush’s National Guard service.
Danny Rather apologized too, but strangely did not offer his activities during
the Spanish American war. A mudslide in Conchita, California kills ten residents
who had stubbornly vowed to stay and wait out the storm. President Bush,
to the horror of Democrats in blue states everywhere, is inaugurated for
term. Johnny Carson dies of emphysema and in honor of him, no one lights
up a smoke after enjoying sex during Jay Leno’s boring monologue. Jury
selection begins in the Michael Jackson trial to at least go through the
motions of a
fair and reasonable case.
Patrick Hurley is an independent conservative thinker living
in Orange County, California. He has addressed over six million
people in 47 states nationwide and won three Emmy awards for
to Hurley index]
my little valentine
Paul II is treated for breathing problems and the flu. Oh oh.
Another shocking development;
the United Nations
oil-for-food program in Iraq is
revealed for its gross mismanagement! The United Nations? ANOTHER black
eye? North Korea boasts they have nuclear weapons and we ignore
them because they
didn’t try to kill President Bush’s dad. Pope Paul II receives
a tracheotomy to help him breathe. Double oh oh. Dennis Rader is happily
arrested at the BTK killer. The media excitedly accommodates him as he gives
the performance of a lifetime. Somewhere Sir Lawrence Olivier is groaning.
If he was groaning before the Academy Awards just put him over the edge, “Million
Dollar Baby” wins Best Picture Oscar.
going to march you down the aisle.
Court strikes down the death penalty for juvenile killers triggering
chant from high school students, “Party
on, dudes!” Martha Stewart is released from prison just
in time to start her own reality television show, “Shower
Tale.” Iraq death toll for American soldiers reaches
1,500. North Korea is still bragging and we still don’t
care. John Bolton volunteers to go to North Korea and kick
their a**! Instead, President Bush nominates him to the United
Nations. Former President Bill Clinton has surgery to remove
scar tissue and fluid from his chest. He also has 63 undigested
pounds of Quarter Pounders and fries from McDonald’s
in his lower intestine. He begs the doctor to leave it there.
Michael Jackson appears in court in his pajamas as he walks
gingerly to his defense table. The jury gives him a standing
ovation. Robert Blake is acquitted of killing his ex-wife.
He smirks at the camera and says, “And that’s the
truth, baby!” He is immediately re-arrested for using
corny phrases in public. Terry Schiavo dies thirteen days after
her feeding tube is removed. In a dramatic gesture of goodwill,
Bill Clinton reveals he offered part of his lower intestine
to her. The FBI says bombing explosives were found in Terry
Nichols home and were related to the 1995 Oklahoma City bombing
but were missed during earlier searches. Duh.
the Easter Bunny when you smile!
Paul II dies. Double duh. ABC News says that Peter Jennings
has lung cancer. Oh
oh. Ibrahim al-Jaafari, a Shiite, is named Iraq’s interim
prime minister. Kurdish leader Jalal Talabani is sworn in as interim President.
Unfortunately, the American public is not paying attention to this news.
They are upset that Paris and Nicole are fighting. Prince Charles marries
Mr. Ed. Tiger Woods wins his fourth Masters and Phil Mickelson enters rehab.
Eric Rudolph is arrested for the Olympic bombing in 1996 and at his press
conferences announces, “Pine cones are edible, you know.” Cardinal
Joseph Ratzinger is elected the new pope. He takes the name Benzedrine XVI
in honor of all the medications popes need to stay alive beyond their years.
NASA delays the space shuttle launch because they are worried that ice falling
off the fuel tank will doom Discovery just like it doomed Columbia. Scarily,
there is no one in authority who is in favor of dooming NASA. Vietnam celebrates
its 30th anniversary of horror since the takeover of North Vietnam by inviting
the relatives of Robert S. McNamera to come for a barbecue.
if I ask your dad or mom
after Private Lynndie England offered to put a leash on him
and spank him, still
refuses to accept her guilty plea because he was not sure
she knew her actions were wrong at that time. Huh? Giacomo, a 50-1 long
shot, wins the Kentucky Derby proving once again that if you
bet on horses you
are dumber than they are. A judge approves United Airlines move to eliminate
employee’s pension plans. United also has an airline called, “Ted.” There
is a Senator by that name who bailed on one of his “employees”,
too, as I remember. Yes, history has a way of repeating itself. “Revenge
of the Sith” opens nationwide proving once again that George Lucas
should have stopped at, “Star Wars.” In a major development,
Carrie Underwood wins, “American Idol.” Americans are agog about
it the next day. They still cannot remember the names of those two guys in
Iraq. Former FBI official Mark Felt reveals he was the famous, “Deep
Throat,” so his family can have money for the rest of their lives.
His grateful daughter trots him out to the front steps where he smiles
and waves and has NO clue where he is or why he is waving.
let me take you to the Junior Prom
Crowe is arrested for throwing a phone in a hotel room that
hit an employee.
Time to promote his new movie. President Bush and Tony Blair
tentatively agree to embrace a plan to forgive debt of poor African nations
as if there was any chance of collecting it to begin with. First tropical
storm, Arlene, washes ashore in Florida panhandle. Oh oh. Senate apologizes
for blocking anti-lynching legislation in early 20th Century when mob violence
against blacks was commonplace. Many wish they would go further and propose
a new bill lynching many of them for their lack of competence today. Jury
acquits Michael Jackson of molesting a 13-year old boy. Triple duh. Tests
confirm the second case of mad cow disease in the United States. Oh oh.
Six months after the deadly tsunami, which killed 178,000 people
and left another
50,000 missing; a gorgeous model who escaped that disaster goes on the
Larry King show and puts the tragedy in perspective by telling
everyone SHE is
a firecracker all aglow
O’Connor, the first
woman on the Supreme Court, says she will retire. Conservatives
offer to help her pack. Marathon Live 8 concert
rocks the globe focusing attention on African poverty. Uh, we already KNEW
that. London is selected to host the 2012 Olympics. Oh oh. Judith Miller, a
New York Times reporter is jailed for moronic behavior. Liberals praise her
because they think she is wonderful like their previous heroines, Jane Fonda,
Hillary Clinton, Cindy Sheehan and Sandra Day O’Connor. Terrorists celebrate
the naming of London as the 2012 Olympics host by bombing the hell out of it.
World leaders at the Group of Eight Conference unveil a $50 billion package
to help lift Africa from poverty. They also believe that peace will come to
the Middle East and they will find Jimmy Hoffa someday. Hurricane Dennis strikes
the Gulf Coast. Residents laugh at this latest storm insisting hurricanes are
overrated. Lance Armstrong wins the Tour de France for the seventh year in
a row. Back in the United States, Barry Bonds applauds him, “Like me,
he is an amazing physical specimen!”
on the beach you steal the show!
star Rafael Palmeiro receives a 10-day suspension for steroid
use. Barry Bonds and
Lance Armstrong issue a joint statement, “Why is everyone
so jealous of successful athletes!” South Korea unveils the world’s
first cloned dog named, “Snuppy.” North Korea nukes him. Cindy
Sheehan begins her sit-in outside of the Bush ranch to protest the lack of
porta-potties for anyone opposed to President Bush for any reason. The shuttle
Discovery lands safely allowing NASA to apply for more funding for their
new space idea: a trip to the moon. Again. Hurricane Katrina hits 80 mph
winds and heads for the Gulf Coast. The residents in Louisiana and Mississippi
announce their defiance to the storm, “We have lived here all our lives
and we will live here forever!” People in New Orleans are especially
confident, “Our levees will protect us. They always have!”
the candles at your Sweet Sixteen
toll in New Orleans now stands at 1,300 and counting. Jerry
Rice retires as the
all-time NFL leader in career receptions, receiving yards
and receiving touchdowns. Jesse Jackson refuses to retire stating, “How
can I? I don’t work in the first place!” FEMA chief Michael Brown
resigns thwarting his self-marketing goal to become Time Magazine’s
Man of the Year. Coordinated bombings kill 150 people in Baghdad, the deadliest
attack since the new government (that Americans are STILL not aware of) took
office in April. Hurricane Rita hits Texas and causes more flooding in “levee
powerful” New Orleans. House majority leader Tom Delay leaves post
after being indicted for alleged illegal funneling of corporate donations
to help Texas legislative campaigns which I am SURE has never been done before
by any politician of either party. No way!
and Juliet on Halloween
Bush nominates his housekeeper, Harriet Miers to the Supreme
Court but is told they already
have a professional cleaning service so he withdraws
her name. Heavy rain falls in Guatemala killing 1,600 people proving that
dumb people do exist outside of the Gulf coast. China launches its second
manned space flight with two astronauts orbiting Earth and sprinkling GHB
over the United States causing an epidemic of headaches nationwide. Iraqi’s
vote to approve a new constitution. Americans yawn. Saddam Hussein appears
in court for the first time and INSISTS he is still the President. Strangely,
he does it with a Nixon accent. Civil rights advocate Rosa Parks dies. Jesse
Jackson takes a limo to her funeral. The Chicago White Sox win their first
World Series since 1917
and in the spirit
of their legacy, pay off the umpires to help ensure victories over the Angels
and Astros. Lewis Libby gets indicted for using the ridiculous name of, “Scooter,” in
a political forum.
give thanks that you belong to me
increases a key interest rate to the highest level in four
oh. European Union says it will investigate reports the CIA
up secret jails to interrogate terror suspects begging the question, “Don’t
they have Ritz Carltons with a mint on the pillow for these creative radicals?” President
Bush, announces with a straight face, “We will aggressively seek terrorists,
but we do not torture.” Pete Rose reacts, “Hey, that guy is better
than me!” The Kansas Board of Education approves higher science standards
that cast doubt on evolution. In return, God promises the state a booming
crop this year. Oil executives announce that their huge profits are justified
as consumers struggle with high gas prices and heating bills. Michael Brown,
former head of FEMA says, “These are MY kind of people!” John
Murtha calls for an immediate withdrawal of Cindy Sheehan from the Bush ranch
but they cannot find her out in the bushes heeding nature’s call. Jesse
Jackson volunteers to rescue her.
the present ‘neath
my Christmas tree
announces that Bob Woodruff and Elizabeth Vargas will both
replace Peter Jennings who died of lung cancer.
if one goes, there will still
be an anchor in place. Federal marshals shoot and kill a man who claimed
to have a bomb. It was later determined he had bipolar disorder
now on, the marshals will be armed with lithium and depakote and will chair
small group sessions shortly after take off. Eugene McCarthy and Richard
Pryor die on the same day dooming any hopes of Senator McCarthy’s legacy being
faintly noticed. Besides, his language was far too sophisticated and classy
to even compete with his contemporary on that sad day of finality. On a sadder
note, Jessica Simpson and Nick Lache announce their divorce causing thousands
of people to suddenly develop bipolar disorder in America. Thankfully, most
of them will not fly over the holidays.
yeah, my heart’s
in a whirl
I love, I love, I love my little calendar girl of 2005!
Happy 2006, everybody!
May this new year be far more intelligent than 2005.
I can only hope and pray. -one-
2005 Patrick Hurley