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2005: The Stupid Year in Review
A wary glance in the rear view mirror…
[by Patrick Hurley] 12/31/05

January...you start the year off fine!

We all watched the apple fall in New York city wondering what this new year will bring us. Little did we know it was ALMOST the last time we would ever see Dick Clark again. Whew! Soon, we caught a flavor of the dynamic of this incredibly stupid year…three CBS producers and and executive were fired for their discredited report on George W. Bush’s National Guard service. Danny Rather apologized too, but strangely did not offer his activities during the Spanish American war. A mudslide in Conchita, California kills ten residents who had stubbornly vowed to stay and wait out the storm. President Bush, to the horror of Democrats in blue states everywhere, is inaugurated for a second term. Johnny Carson dies of emphysema and in honor of him, no one lights up a smoke after enjoying sex during Jay Leno’s boring monologue. Jury selection begins in the Michael Jackson trial to at least go through the motions of a fair and reasonable case.

February...you’re my little valentine

Pope John Paul II is treated for breathing problems and the flu. Oh oh. Another shocking development; the United Nations oil-for-food program in Iraq is revealed for its gross mismanagement! The United Nations? ANOTHER black eye? North Korea boasts they have nuclear weapons and we ignore them because they didn’t try to kill President Bush’s dad. Pope Paul II receives a tracheotomy to help him breathe. Double oh oh. Dennis Rader is happily arrested at the BTK killer. The media excitedly accommodates him as he gives the performance of a lifetime. Somewhere Sir Lawrence Olivier is groaning. If he was groaning before the Academy Awards just put him over the edge, “Million Dollar Baby” wins Best Picture Oscar.

March…I’m going to march you down the aisle.

The Supreme Court strikes down the death penalty for juvenile killers triggering a nationwide chant from high school students, “Party on, dudes!” Martha Stewart is released from prison just in time to start her own reality television show, “Shower Tale.” Iraq death toll for American soldiers reaches 1,500. North Korea is still bragging and we still don’t care. John Bolton volunteers to go to North Korea and kick their a**! Instead, President Bush nominates him to the United Nations. Former President Bill Clinton has surgery to remove scar tissue and fluid from his chest. He also has 63 undigested pounds of Quarter Pounders and fries from McDonald’s in his lower intestine. He begs the doctor to leave it there. Michael Jackson appears in court in his pajamas as he walks gingerly to his defense table. The jury gives him a standing ovation. Robert Blake is acquitted of killing his ex-wife. He smirks at the camera and says, “And that’s the truth, baby!” He is immediately re-arrested for using corny phrases in public. Terry Schiavo dies thirteen days after her feeding tube is removed. In a dramatic gesture of goodwill, Bill Clinton reveals he offered part of his lower intestine to her. The FBI says bombing explosives were found in Terry Nichols home and were related to the 1995 Oklahoma City bombing but were missed during earlier searches. Duh.

April…You’re the Easter Bunny when you smile!

Pope John Paul II dies. Double duh. ABC News says that Peter Jennings has lung cancer. Oh oh. Ibrahim al-Jaafari, a Shiite, is named Iraq’s interim prime minister. Kurdish leader Jalal Talabani is sworn in as interim President. Unfortunately, the American public is not paying attention to this news. They are upset that Paris and Nicole are fighting. Prince Charles marries Mr. Ed. Tiger Woods wins his fourth Masters and Phil Mickelson enters rehab. Eric Rudolph is arrested for the Olympic bombing in 1996 and at his press conferences announces, “Pine cones are edible, you know.” Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger is elected the new pope. He takes the name Benzedrine XVI in honor of all the medications popes need to stay alive beyond their years. NASA delays the space shuttle launch because they are worried that ice falling off the fuel tank will doom Discovery just like it doomed Columbia. Scarily, there is no one in authority who is in favor of dooming NASA. Vietnam celebrates its 30th anniversary of horror since the takeover of North Vietnam by inviting the relatives of Robert S. McNamera to come for a barbecue.

May…maybe if I ask your dad or mom

Judge, even after Private Lynndie England offered to put a leash on him and spank him, still refuses to accept her guilty plea because he was not sure she knew her actions were wrong at that time. Huh? Giacomo, a 50-1 long shot, wins the Kentucky Derby proving once again that if you bet on horses you are dumber than they are. A judge approves United Airlines move to eliminate employee’s pension plans. United also has an airline called, “Ted.” There is a Senator by that name who bailed on one of his “employees”, too, as I remember. Yes, history has a way of repeating itself. “Revenge of the Sith” opens nationwide proving once again that George Lucas should have stopped at, “Star Wars.” In a major development, Carrie Underwood wins, “American Idol.” Americans are agog about it the next day. They still cannot remember the names of those two guys in Iraq. Former FBI official Mark Felt reveals he was the famous, “Deep Throat,” so his family can have money for the rest of their lives. His grateful daughter trots him out to the front steps where he smiles and waves and has NO clue where he is or why he is waving.

June…they’ll let me take you to the Junior Prom

Actor Russell Crowe is arrested for throwing a phone in a hotel room that hit an employee. Time to promote his new movie. President Bush and Tony Blair tentatively agree to embrace a plan to forgive debt of poor African nations as if there was any chance of collecting it to begin with. First tropical storm, Arlene, washes ashore in Florida panhandle. Oh oh. Senate apologizes for blocking anti-lynching legislation in early 20th Century when mob violence against blacks was commonplace. Many wish they would go further and propose a new bill lynching many of them for their lack of competence today. Jury acquits Michael Jackson of molesting a 13-year old boy. Triple duh. Tests confirm the second case of mad cow disease in the United States. Oh oh. Six months after the deadly tsunami, which killed 178,000 people and left another 50,000 missing; a gorgeous model who escaped that disaster goes on the Larry King show and puts the tragedy in perspective by telling everyone SHE is okay. Whew.

July…like a firecracker all aglow

Justice Sandra O’Connor, the first woman on the Supreme Court, says she will retire. Conservatives offer to help her pack. Marathon Live 8 concert rocks the globe focusing attention on African poverty. Uh, we already KNEW that. London is selected to host the 2012 Olympics. Oh oh. Judith Miller, a New York Times reporter is jailed for moronic behavior. Liberals praise her because they think she is wonderful like their previous heroines, Jane Fonda, Hillary Clinton, Cindy Sheehan and Sandra Day O’Connor. Terrorists celebrate the naming of London as the 2012 Olympics host by bombing the hell out of it. World leaders at the Group of Eight Conference unveil a $50 billion package to help lift Africa from poverty. They also believe that peace will come to the Middle East and they will find Jimmy Hoffa someday. Hurricane Dennis strikes the Gulf Coast. Residents laugh at this latest storm insisting hurricanes are overrated. Lance Armstrong wins the Tour de France for the seventh year in a row. Back in the United States, Barry Bonds applauds him, “Like me, he is an amazing physical specimen!”

August…when you’re on the beach you steal the show!

Baseball star Rafael Palmeiro receives a 10-day suspension for steroid use. Barry Bonds and Lance Armstrong issue a joint statement, “Why is everyone so jealous of successful athletes!” South Korea unveils the world’s first cloned dog named, “Snuppy.” North Korea nukes him. Cindy Sheehan begins her sit-in outside of the Bush ranch to protest the lack of porta-potties for anyone opposed to President Bush for any reason. The shuttle Discovery lands safely allowing NASA to apply for more funding for their new space idea: a trip to the moon. Again. Hurricane Katrina hits 80 mph winds and heads for the Gulf Coast. The residents in Louisiana and Mississippi announce their defiance to the storm, “We have lived here all our lives and we will live here forever!” People in New Orleans are especially confident, “Our levees will protect us. They always have!”

September…light the candles at your Sweet Sixteen

The death toll in New Orleans now stands at 1,300 and counting. Jerry Rice retires as the all-time NFL leader in career receptions, receiving yards and receiving touchdowns. Jesse Jackson refuses to retire stating, “How can I? I don’t work in the first place!” FEMA chief Michael Brown resigns thwarting his self-marketing goal to become Time Magazine’s Man of the Year. Coordinated bombings kill 150 people in Baghdad, the deadliest attack since the new government (that Americans are STILL not aware of) took office in April. Hurricane Rita hits Texas and causes more flooding in “levee powerful” New Orleans. House majority leader Tom Delay leaves post after being indicted for alleged illegal funneling of corporate donations to help Texas legislative campaigns which I am SURE has never been done before by any politician of either party. No way!

October…Romeo and Juliet on Halloween

President Bush nominates his housekeeper, Harriet Miers to the Supreme Court but is told they already have a professional cleaning service so he withdraws her name. Heavy rain falls in Guatemala killing 1,600 people proving that dumb people do exist outside of the Gulf coast. China launches its second manned space flight with two astronauts orbiting Earth and sprinkling GHB over the United States causing an epidemic of headaches nationwide. Iraqi’s vote to approve a new constitution. Americans yawn. Saddam Hussein appears in court for the first time and INSISTS he is still the President. Strangely, he does it with a Nixon accent. Civil rights advocate Rosa Parks dies. Jesse Jackson takes a limo to her funeral. The Chicago White Sox win their first World Series since 1917 and in the spirit of their legacy, pay off the umpires to help ensure victories over the Angels and Astros. Lewis Libby gets indicted for using the ridiculous name of, “Scooter,” in a political forum.

November…I’ll give thanks that you belong to me

Federal Reserve increases a key interest rate to the highest level in four years. Oh oh. European Union says it will investigate reports the CIA set up secret jails to interrogate terror suspects begging the question, “Don’t they have Ritz Carltons with a mint on the pillow for these creative radicals?” President Bush, announces with a straight face, “We will aggressively seek terrorists, but we do not torture.” Pete Rose reacts, “Hey, that guy is better than me!” The Kansas Board of Education approves higher science standards that cast doubt on evolution. In return, God promises the state a booming crop this year. Oil executives announce that their huge profits are justified as consumers struggle with high gas prices and heating bills. Michael Brown, former head of FEMA says, “These are MY kind of people!” John Murtha calls for an immediate withdrawal of Cindy Sheehan from the Bush ranch but they cannot find her out in the bushes heeding nature’s call. Jesse Jackson volunteers to rescue her.

December…you’re the present ‘neath my Christmas tree

ABC News announces that Bob Woodruff and Elizabeth Vargas will both replace Peter Jennings who died of lung cancer. That way if one goes, there will still be an anchor in place. Federal marshals shoot and kill a man who claimed to have a bomb. It was later determined he had bipolar disorder instead. From now on, the marshals will be armed with lithium and depakote and will chair small group sessions shortly after take off. Eugene McCarthy and Richard Pryor die on the same day dooming any hopes of Senator McCarthy’s legacy being faintly noticed. Besides, his language was far too sophisticated and classy to even compete with his contemporary on that sad day of finality. On a sadder note, Jessica Simpson and Nick Lache announce their divorce causing thousands of people to suddenly develop bipolar disorder in America. Thankfully, most of them will not fly over the holidays.

Yeah, yeah, my heart’s in a whirl
I love, I love, I love my little calendar girl of 2005!

Happy 2006, everybody!

May this new year be far more intelligent than 2005.

I can only hope and pray. -one-

copyright 2005 Patrick Hurley

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