Guest Contributor
Eric Metaxas

California Muggin'
A Golden State Debate...
[Eric Metaxas] 8/13/03

The following is a transcript of yesterday's fractious debate in California among some of the candidates hoping to replace Governor Gray Davis, who is being recalled. On the dais were Arnold Schwarzenegger, Arianna Huffington, Gary Coleman, and Larry Flynt. It begins after they have each been asked to make opening comments...

TEXT:

Gary Coleman: Um, yes. First of all, with respect to how I plan to conduct my campaign...the good people of California should know that while I will conduct it with civility, let there be no mistake: I will also most certainly go upside the heads of my opponents. (He mugs.) [Laughter]

Arianna Huffington: With all dyoo ree-spect...I am not con-veenced that Mr.Coleman is capable of ree-tsing the hheads of hees opponents...

Gary Coleman: (Mock seriously) Say what? I should jack you up right now... [Laughter.] (He pretends to leave his podium...)

Arianna Huffington: Em, that would be very eem-politic of you, Arnold.

Gary Coleman: (Arms akimbo, mugging) Don't choo be callin' me Arnold! [Wild laughter.] Just 'cause you got a hair-do like Mrs. Garrett! [More wild laughter.]

Arnold Schwarzenegger: Endt don't be calling me Ah-nold neezer. But veel vree to call me Mistah Guv-nah Elect! Asti spumante, baby! (Mugging.)

Arianna Huffington: I can see that this debate weel not exactly be ap to thee stan-dards of my Oxford Union days...

Gary Coleman: [Mugging] Don't be gettin' huffy, Huffy... [Laughter.]

Arnold Schwarzenegger: (Mugging) Ja, or vee vill jack you ap! [Wild laughter.]

Arianna Huffington: Honestly... bee-koz we are dealing with ac-tors, I sood hhave expected that things would devolve to this ree-dee-cu-lous see-tsoo-ay-son!

Gary Coleman: Dag, lady... I can't understand your accent! Sound like you talkin' Klingon! [Laughter]. But in all seriousness, I don't see how Ms.H.R. Puffing-stuff...

Arianna Huffington: Hhahh-feeng-ton! [Laughter.]

Gary Coleman: My apologies to Madame Klingon... [laughter] But seriously, I don't see how anyone can take issue with the mere fact that a few of us on the dais have had careers as actors.

Arnold Schwarzenegger: Ja. Get wiss de pro-gram, Huffy! [Laughter.] Ek-ting is a noble profession.

Arianna Huffington: I hhave seen Hair-cu-les in New York, end I wooden call it ak-ting! [Scattered laughter.]

Gary Coleman: Dag! That's cold... but if we could get serious for a moment...what's so wrong with some of us having had acting careers? After all, one of the greatest political leaders to come out of the state of California was an actor.

Arianna Huffington: I ass-yoom you are ree-ferring to Roh-nald Ray-gan...

Gary Coleman: Who? [Laughter.] But seriously, of course I'm talking about Ronald Reagan. After all, he was governor of California... and President. I should know. Emmanuel Lewis and I sat on his knee at the White House.

Arianna Huffington: (a wicked smile forming) Lee-sen, I also have met Roh-nald Ray-gan. Roh nald Ray-gan woz an acquaintance of mine. And you, sir, are no Roh-nald Ray-gan. [Laughter.]

Gary Coleman: [Arms akimbo, mugging] What choo talkin' bout, Arianna? [Wild laughter.]

Larry Flynt: My ass is numb. Can we get serious?

Arianna Huffington: Thank you, Larry. I ah-gree. I think eet ees high time we sood dee-skass the pair-tee-nent issues. For example, both Mees-ters Coleman and Schwarzenegger sood tell the people of this great state how they can tzass-tee-fy driving gahs-guzzling S.U.V.'s! Theez Hhah-mmers both of you are driving are abso-lyoot-ly the worst! If I were goh-vernor, both of you would be arrested for been eco-terrorists!

Gary Coleman: Forgive me for repeating myself... (arms akimbo, mugging) But what choo talkin' bout, Arianna? [Wild laughter.]

Arnold Schwarzenegger: Ja, where's de beef, Arianna? [More wild laughter.]

Arianna Huffington: (Shouting to be heard) Thees ees getting ree-dee-culous! Can't we say something besides all of thees silly sloh-ganz?

Gary Coleman: (Shaking his head, doing a Reagan impression.) There you go again! [Mayhem.]

The evening's moderator, former Senatorial hopeful Jerry Springer, observes, arms folded, grinning. A chair is thrown. Exeunt.

END.

Eric Metaxas' writing career "spans every genre but obituaries and menus." His humor writing was first published in the Atlantic Monthly, and has frequently appeared in The New York Times. Woody Allen has called these pieces "quite funny." Metaxas' book and movie reviews, essays, and poetry have appeared in The New York Times, The Washington Post, and numerous other
publications. His parody of the Ripley's "Believe It Or Not!" books, Don't You Believe It!, was published by St. Martin's Press in 1996. He is also the curator and host of the popular Socrates in the City lecture series. A fuller bio is available on the Socrates in the City web site.