Tom Adkins - Contributor
is Executive Publisher of CommonConservative.com and
frequent financial commentator on Fox News. [go to Adkins
[Tom Adkins] 12/28/04
They come for vacation, to study, to work, and inevitably, to
insult. They are arrogant, smug and haughty. And too often, they
make an loud, repulsive representation of their culture. The
ugly American? Hardly, No, I am describing the new breed of boorishness,
the trash-talking Ugly Europeans.
Not the Eastern Europeans. They pretty much acknowledge America
freed them from nationalism, Nazism and communism over the last
100 years. No, we are talking primarily about the Western Europeans.
You know, the folks who keep losing all those wars. Or starting
them as the case may be.
Yeccchhh. For any red-blooded American, we now spit the term
off our tongue as if we just stepped in dog droppings. A proper
analogy, when you think about it.
It could be a yellow-toothed Englishwoman in a pub, harrumphing
over her last pint. Or maybe a scruffy young German college student
(dressed in fashionable black, of course) at yet another flag-burning
protest. Or maybe a Dutch housewife in a restaurant, loudly denouncing
the United States in front of a few American tourists. Or a smarmy
Frenchman, wishing his nation really were communist. Regardless,
they all proclaim the superiority of their illustrious European
Superiority. Culture. The two foundations of European arrogance.
On one hand,
it’s humorous to observe people who smoke
8 packs of unfiltered cigarettes a day, bathe semi-annually,
and haven’t lifted a finger to protect their own freedom
once in an entire century claim “superiority” over
anything but surrender technique. On the other, it is quite infuriating
to hear such unquestionable cowards act anything but apologetic,
humble and thankful.
But if there
is one thing Europeans aren’t, it’s
humble. Or apologetic. And definitely not thankful. They will
tell you with unparalleled smugness that Americans are stupid,
and Europeans are so-o-o-o-o smart. And that every American President
who actually has a spine is a “cowboy.”
their hilariously snotty attitude, there is a way for Europeans
maintaining respect from the average American.
All they have to do is admit they are arrogant, smug and haughty.
That’s right! In fact, the Europeans should get together,
and craft a public service announcement to America. It would
go something like this.
The Western Europeans wish to announce we will no longer offer
even the pretense of defending our freedom (last granted in 1945
by the United States of America, and later preserved with the
help of various presidents, most notably Ronald Reagan).
when murderous thugs threaten, when dictators are plotting,
are planning, we will employ our first line of
defense: conduct great debates. Then, we shall sit down over
wine and cheese, and complain the United States is at fault.
We will send diplomats with fancy titles all over the world,
holding great meetings at the UN, NATO, SETO, ABC, XYZ, and any
other world organization we can find. In fact, we’ll even
create a new organization to portray “legitimacy.” They
shall have countless meetings, pass endless resolutions, and
insist we are getting closer to a solution every day, even as
the enemy trudges closer to the very gates of our nation.
States will warn us that dictators must be dealt with forcefully.
We shall respond “Nonsense! We can debate
forever.” They will claim we are appeasing like Neville
Chamberlain. We will insist Chamberlain would have succeeded,
if only given enough time.
Then, as the enemy invades our nation, we will beg the United
States for assistance.
we will then blame Americans for not moving fast enough. For
we will call them war criminals, label
them imperialists, demand this is another "blood for oil" campaign,
and claim they are Nazis.
if the United States has a President who is smart enough to
figure out it’s
a matter of time until they are involved, and early intervention
is better than full-scale global war,
they will attack the enemy.
will screech that our great intellectual superiority would
and America rushed into an unnecessary
war (like the one we could have conducted in 1938, but didn’t).
We will use all of our meager powers to get in their way, and
possibly help the enemy by clandestinely supplying weapons, laundering
money, and turning a blind eye towards sympathetics in our nation.
Our press shall attack the President with the relentless insistence
and with the intellectuality of a 7th grade clique. And we shall
be rude to innocent Americans wherever we find them, particularly
exalt the “useful idiots” within America
who despise their own nation. In fact, the Cannes film festival
may give one of these traitors a Palm D’or, or maybe they
might receive a Nobel prize.
Later, when the Americans have vanquished the enemy, we will
accuse them of nation building.
We will do all this while resting in the comfort of an armchair
somewhere in our lovely village or town. In fact, we may even
do this after we've left our nation and moved to the United States
for both safety and prosperity...then accuse the Americans for
making everyone poor and unsafe. And of course, inconvenience.
battles are over, and American blood has seeped into our soil,
our drains, and spattered our alleyways,
we will tip our haughty noses in the air and dismiss their efforts
as no big deal. But we’ll keep them around for awhile until
we are safe. And we will bitch the entire time about their “occupation.” In
fact, we will forget their efforts immediately. Regardless of
any sacrifices of money, dead and wounded, we will be perpetually
And we will be arrogant about it.
would work. If the Europeans simply told this truth, we could
far more because Americans have always
respected people who just admit their failings. Instead, they
remain a petty, petulant bunch of ungrateful whiners, getting
in the way of freeing the world. Europeans just can’t bear
watching the United States prove every day that we are superior.
We have bigger hearts, brighter minds and better economies. And
now we can even claim better manners.
fun to watch Europeans get all snooty about themselves.
feel kinda superior, don’t you think? tRO